Resume and Interview Protips

I’ve had to review a lot of resumes in the past year and a half or so, and have done a lot of phone interviews and more in-person. I’m not a recruiter, I’m not HR, I’m QA. I see the resumes of those applying for QA positions. I see a lot of WTF in those resumes and experience a lot of WTF during those interviews, so I thought I’d post a few tips.

 

Protip 1: Don’t fucking lie

I recently got a resume from a guy saying he currently works, and has for the past year+, at a company where I happen to know the owners and several of the employees. I also happen to have one of those employees on chat when I got the resume, so I ask “hey, I got a resume from a guy that says he worked at $company”. He replies “Who, $name1, $name2 or $name3?”. I reply “It’s $liarguyname”. He says “He’s a fucking liar”. A week later, and we’re doing a phone interview with this guy to try and figure out WTF is going on. His response to every question is bullshit, which isn’t surprising. So I get to the point where I ask him “Why are you lying on your resume?” and after more lying and bullshitting, he finally admits that he lied on his resume because has has NO work experience and nobody calls him back. I tell him it’s worse if you lie! I sent him some tips after that, of what to do to beef up his resume instead of lying like a rug, like don’t lie on your resume, and if you don’t have work experience, get it from other places like open source, volunteering (like GiveCamp), or even beta testing video games.

 

Protip 2: Professional Experience is REQUIRED not BY REQUEST

I got a resume that listed some skills and tools, then said “Professional experience available upon request”. WTF?! Whoever gave you the advice to do that, please find them directly and give them a proper throat punch. No. Just… no. Don’t EVER do that shit. I went to HR and said “Nope on this one”. Toss it in the bin.

 

Protip 3: If you’re applying for a position that requires “attention to detail” show that you have it

If you’re applying for a QA position, you’re expected to have an attention to detail. You can’t just say on your resume “I have an attention to detail” and we’ll believe you. Honestly, GRAMMAR CHECK YOUR FUCKING RESUME. Run-on sentences, capitalization all over the fucking place that gives me a headache trying to read it, misspellings… If you can’t give out a resume that is error-free, which is TINY compared to the software I want you to test, I can’t trust you to test my software.

 

Protip 4: Like above, saying  you are an”effective communicator” doesn’t make it true

If your resume has unfinished sentences and fucked up grammar (like above), but you purport you are an “effective communicator” or somesuch, go fuck yourself. I don’t want to talk to you on the phone even if I can’t read a sentence you wrote, which you should have taken the time to make sure made some fucking sense. Please, have someone else review your resume honestly. For my sanity…

 

Protip 5: If you set up a phone interview, remember who you’re interviewing with

No, it’s not cute if you answer and ask what company we are again, because you’ve had so many interviews. Bullshit. If you can’t keep track of an appointment as if it’s important to you, can you keep on deadline? Would you care? Probably not. Ass.

 

Protip 6: Don’t answer another call while you’re on a phone interview!

I had a guy get a call on a different phone during my phone interview with him. He asked me to hold on, picked up the other phone said hello then asked if the person could call him back later because he was on another call. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Was it a rotary phone so you couldn’t see who was calling you? If you are expecting an important call during the time we will be on the interview, let me know ahead of time. But answering a call just to tell the person you’ll call back? WTF dude?

 

Protip 7: If you have to cough, don’t do it into the phone, and at least excuse yourself

Again, had someone do just this. Coughed into the phone several times, didn’t say a thing about it. I don’t like rude motherfuckers on my team, either. Ugh.

 

Protip 8: Don’t have diarrhea of the mouth

I know, you want to talk about yourself. You need to sell yourself. I get it. But shut the fuck up sometimes! I ask for an example of some situation, you give me 6. I’m going to stop writing my notes and put “won’t stfu” instead of the rest of the 5 minutes you’re taking to answer 1 question.

 

Protip 9: Just be honest!

If you’re not familiar with a technology, OWN THAT. Don’t bullshit about it, don’t pretend you know more than you don’t. I ask on the phone about experience with certain technologies we use. One guy responded to me that he had some experience with Linux, but it was a while ago. I asked what distro, and he didn’t know. I later mentioned Ubuntu and he said “oh yeah, that’s the one I used”. Ok, whatever. Fast forward to the in-person interview. Me in the room, the other interviewer asks him about his comfort with Linux. He responds “I’m very comfortable with it”. Interviewer asks “What distro?” and he says “Oh I run Ubuntu at home”. I wanted yell “BULLSHIT” but waited until the guy left. Yeah, we want to talk to the guy that says he’s an expert in Linux, but we also want to talk to the one that says “I don’t know Linux at all, but I’d love to learn it”. We’re looking for passion and intelligence. You don’t have to know everything right off the bat, but own what you don’t know and be willing to learn it! Be honest with yourself!

 

I’m sure I’ll add more as I review more resumes and interview more candidates. Have any good ones?